An Islamic Communist Writes to Karl Marx
Dear Comrade Karl;
Lal Salam (red greeting) and As Salamu Alaikum. Hope you are not perturbed for greeting you with the Islamic salutation. You might be wondering why I chose to greet you in such a manner. After all, Islam was not your cup of tea, that is, when you were alive. However, the ever-changing events during the time-period after your departure from this mortal world have made us bestow upon you the Islamic blessings that you missed when you were alive. You see, we are now in a position to redeem you from your sin of preaching Communism to mankind and devising a way for salvation the downtrodden people.
Look Karl, we discovered, to our utter surprise, that what you wrote in your scripture, the Das Kapital, and what Allah wrote in the Holy Qur'an are quite similar. For example, you wanted to establish the 'Dictatorship of the Proletariat' in the world through armed struggle, if needed, which is another name for Communist Terrorism, won't you agree? Now, read the Qur'an. What does it say? Yes, it preaches the same idea, believe it or not. Comrade, many verses of the Qur'an clearly states that the idea of Islam is to establish the 'Dictatorship of Allah' in the world through war and blood shed, which is the name for Islamic Terrorism. How uncanny this resemblance is, think of it! Don't you agree, my friend, that Peoples' Liberation Struggle and Islamic Jihad are same?
We also discovered a weird parallelism between your comrades and Hazrat Muhammad's companions. See, you had, as your ardent disciples, Lenin, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, Castro-.just to name a few. Hazrat Muhammad had Abu Bakr, Umar, Uthman, Ali, Abu Huraira, Anas-How strange! Come to think of it. All of them specialized in terror, plunder, and genocide. Don't you think your diehard comrades even beat Muhammad's comrades in this very special art? Were not they very clever, comrade Karl?
My dear friend in Arms, do you remember the Talibans? I am sure you do. How could you forget the barbaric Islamic punishment that these diehard soldiers of Allah meted out to your ardent believers?-I mean the Communists of Afghanistan. I am sure you have observed the dangling body of your last scion, as the Talibans inflicted mindless torment on him, then shot him and then hanged him at a bus stop in Kabul. Did you shed any tear for him, Comrade? I am very curious to know. Did you vow to take on the Talibans for their savagery? I am certain you did. But look, we are friendly with the Talibans. Are you hurt, dear Comrade, our dearest thinker of Dialectical and Historical Materialism? Lest you construe that we are a bunch of 'revisionists' from the true teaching of yours, we must tell you that we became friendly with the Islamic Terrorists for only one purpose in our minds: that purpose is to redeem you from your suffering in the Islamic Hell. We learned, as stated earlier, from reading the Qur'anic verses and the Ahadith and by consulting many Mullahs that there is a very good chance of your redemption, if we tow the Islamic Jihadists' line. Let me elaborate on this:
We know, for sure, Allah has already incarcerated you in the Islamic Hell. Since there is very little difference from the dictatorship postulated by you and the dictatorship preached by Islam, don't you think it makes sense that we adopt an Islamic way of life now? By doing this we achieve Islamic bliss in Islamic Paradise and at the same time it will be possible to force the entire world to adopt your idea, which we now call Islamic Communism. We played the similar game in Iran, but in the end, the Mullah's played us out by slaughtering us 'enmasse'. But we don't care. We are, in fact, fallen in love with the Mullahs-believe it or not, for, they are actually advancing your cause by terror, plunder, suicide bombing etc. By joining with them we are simply enhancing your cause. Therefore, does it not make good sense that we shake hands with your former foes (i.e., Islamists) and find a way to rescue you from the hellfire that you are surely in right now?
Dear Prophet of the Proletariat, don't you think we are very clever when we do this?
Dear Guru, you mulled through the world history at the British Museum, dedicating a considerable period of your life to author the Das Kapital--the Qur.'an for the Communists. Was not it similar to Hazrat Muhammad's compilation of the Qur'an in the seclusion of the cave of Hira? See, how uncanny the similarities are! Comrade, did angel Gabriel speak to you and help you to write your Holy Scripture? Although we are pretty certain that he (Gabriel) did so, we are very curious to know. If the archangel Gabriel did not reveal the Das Kapital to you how could there be such strange parallels between your Philosophy and Allah's Philosophy, as dictated to Hazrat Muhammad? Could you kindly explain this apparent conundrum?
Comrade, have you read the Sahih Bukhari, or any other Hadis book? I am sure you did not. Were not they available at the British Museum when you were meditating there a la Muhammad style? If you did not read them, you have missed the gems of all books. Now-a-days, we read these incredible books along with the Das Kapital and the Communist Manifesto, believe it or not. These Islamic Holy Scriptures sound almost similar to your works. It is a great pleasure to read them in this manner because this makes us acceptable to the Islamists. The Jihadists are also elated when they find that we head to mosques clutching the Qur'an and offering prayer standing and sitting by their side.
After reading many of those 'jewels' from the Hadis we discovered that it will be possible for you to get out of Islamic Hell by simply doing a few rituals. First, make an appointment to see Muhammad (in Islamic Paradise, of course) and announce that you have accepted Islam as your faith since you find no difference whatsoever with your 'Manifesto of the Communist Party' and the Islamic declaration of world domination by force. Once you have repented to Muhammad for your misdeed of not reading the Qur'an and Ahadith, he will contact Allah to forgive you, and please know that Allah will always please Hazrat Muhammad, the best creation of Him. After you have finished concurring with Muhammad, you need to make some changes to your personal habits and hygiene. On your personal habit, besides prostrating five-times-a-day, you must adopt the following five additional practices as dictated in Sahih Bukhari:
Five practices of fitra (belief) are: 1. Circumcision 2. Shaving pubic region 3. Clipping nails 4. Cutting mustaches short 5.R removal of arm pit hair...7.72.777, 779
If you have trouble comprehending this seemingly mindless provisions, get a copy of the Sahih Bukhari from Muhammad and read. You will find, it reads:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle said, "Five practices are characteristics of the Fitra: circumcision, shaving the pubic region, clipping the nails and cutting the moustaches short."
And remember, except for item 1 (i.e., circumcision), repeat those rituals every 40 days, because another Hadis in Sahih Muslim says so. Here is the Hadis:
There is a forty days of time limit for clipping the moustache, cutting of nails, shaving pubes-etc-.2.0497
Read the full Hadis below:
Anas reported: A time limit has been prescribed for us for clipping the moustache, cutting the nails, plucking hair under the armpits, shaving the pubes, that it should not be neglected far more than forty nights.
Comrade, there are more rituals for you, for example, when you visit toilet you must observe the following: (please note that for brevity's sake I have included only the Hadis number for you to confirm)
Offer prayer before entering the lavatory. (Sahih Bukhari: 8.75.334)
Do not defecate facing the Qibla. (Sahih Muslim: 2.0504)
Do not use toilet paper; instead, use stones-at least three (odd numbers only). (Sahih Muslim 2.0458)
Do not touch penis with your right hand while urinating in the lavatory. (Sahih Bukhari 1.4.155)
After doing your business clean your backside with water; do not use right hand, use left hand. (Sahih Muslim: 2.0513)
As a final warning: do not expose your genitals to the sky, Allah may be offended, no joke (Sahih Bukhari: 7.72. 709).
Dear Guru, you must read this Hadis to be convinced.
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet had forbidden: (A) the Mulamasa and Munabadha (bargains), (B) the offering of two prayers, one after the morning compulsory prayer till the sun rises, and the others, after the 'Asr prayer till the sun sets (C) He also forbade that one should sit wearing one garment, nothing of which covers his private parts (D) and prevent them from exposure to the sky; (E) he also forbade Ishtimal-as-Samma'.
Dear Comrade, we are sorry that we have to instruct you to confirm to those Islamic habits-no matter how ridiculous you might think of them. Those are the ways of Muhammad, and remember; whatever Muhammad practiced Allah approved them for eternity. Do not cry, my dear friend, we must win this time. We must please the Islamic Terrorists to achieve our victory-we must be politically correct and tow the line of the Islamists. Therefore, please do not disappoint us.
We are waiting for your release from the Islamic Hell.
Your ardent Comrade-in-Arms
President, Islamic Communist Party of Bangladesh