A Western loser, who tried to "seek the truth" in Islam
03 Apr, 2006
I am a former Muslim convert and very happy to find a site with stories of those, who have lost their faith in Islam. I pretty much thought I was the only western loser, who has tried to "seek the truth" in other cultures.
I wanted to send my story. It is a very pathetic one.
I come from a Scandinavian country and was born and baptised Christian. As a rebellious teenager I separated from Church. I never truly believed in Christianity. It seemed shallow -- rituals, a few times a year and this notorious immoral western way of life for the rest. I wanted to be truly spiritual, truly believe in something and follow a righteous path. After reading a few years Islamic propaganda I converted to Islam when I was little more than 20 years of age.
I have always hated the lifestyle of western students and drinking alcohol especially. So I felt at home with fellow Muslims, they seemed nice and warm people, they gave me books that pretty much told me that Islam respects women, even more than western culture, is peaceful and perfect in every respect. I had some problems with my parents about my new religion, they didn't like the fact that I was wearing hijab and dressing in different gowns. I felt extremely good though. One year I was perfectly happy, reading the Quran, hadiths, posing as a "modern" Muslim and censuring my own writings (I'm an artist and writer and considered some of my poems and stories too pagan for a good muslimah)
Then started the marriage business. I realized that Muslim marriage was not a romantic one, the mosque I attended tried to find me a suitable husband, even for someone who could gain nationality of my country through the marriage. I started to feel somewhat used. I realized that I didn't like arranged marriages. I turned to a Sufi sect that claimed that they were tolerant and modern and wrote in their web pages beautiful poetry about love of God and so forth.
I should have red about dangerous cults before contacting them. I deeply regret my actions of the following months.
The doctrine of those Sufis was basically this: Their leader was some sort of holy person, noble birth, mystical powers and everything. To learn to love God was to love him. To worship God was to serve him. I red a big deal about Sufis, so I thought that was all very spiritual and wise. But what does loving the leader mean in the real life? For a young woman? I was so naive that I still cannot believe it all. They used all the classical mind-control tricks, late hour meetings, nonstop talking, strange staring, flattering, and threatening with divine punishments. I was very close to become part of the leader's harem. It took me awfully long time to understand that my initiation really was to have sex with the leader.
So I basically escaped. I cried for days, went to other country as an exchange student to get away and cut all my ties with every Muslim I knew.
In the new country I did something I have never imagined I could end up doing. I went to shower, washed myself and afterwards repeated several times "I don't believe in God, I don't believe in God..." It felt like I had escaped from prison. I had had terrible nightmares about that cult leader, about hell. Now it all ended. I cannot call myself atheist, so, after reading a lot about philosophy and religions I became pantheist. I consider it more as a philosophy than religion and nature is the only thing I can worship and adore. Because of my experience I am truly afraid of every organized religion and religious leaders especially.
Now, 2 years after all that horrible experience I am happier than ever. I call my idiotic path as "unenlightening". Some people find a religion and say they see the light. I didn't see anything but manipulation, falsehood, narcissism and downright abuse. So I am happy and cynical and pessimist at the same time. I cannot talk about this to anyone, I don't know what my parents would do if they found out about the things that the cult leader tried to do to me. Because I am adult I cannot say it was anyone else's fault. I learned the lesson about Islam and cults in general the hard way. Last year I was still afraid of that cult and that they could harm me in some mysterious way. I cannot totally get rid of my suspicious thinking and paranoia.
I cannot imagine what could have happened, if I had married as the mosque wanted and ended up as a Muslim wife. I have not heard many stories similar to mine. A lot of western women convert, marry and seem to be very happy afterwards. I am now single, pagan and haunted with that mistake I made for the rest of my life. I have only a few friends, because I alienated myself from my fellow students. Somehow my hatred for religions is even growing. I simply hate to read religious texts and especially watch religious people talking on TV. I hate the way they smile that "I have the truth" smile. I am a student of history and the more I read about history the more I feel that religions have always been in the way of freedom, peace and harmony amongst people. I think that religion is only a personal matter and it should never been used in politics or to control others in any way.
Most of all I feel like an idiotic three times turncoat. I don't know if I can ever fully forgive myself. As I said, this is all my fault.
(Please don't reveal my name in anywhere.)
Dear Unenlightned. Actually you have found enlightenment finally. We all find it in different ways. You had to go through this experience to find it.
Let me assure you there are no happy marriages with Muslims. If some women pretend to be happy, that is all facade. These women who convert to Islam and marry Muslim men live in hell. They can't tell you the truth and often they try to convince themselves that this is life and they have to accept it. Most of these marriages end in divorce. There was a man with whom I had a long debate. I am not going to reveal his name here because he revealed his real identity. He bragged how he respects his western wife and how he believes in equality between men and women. This person wanted to show me that there is also an "enlightened" version of Islam, of which the mullahs and the majority of Muslims are unaware. A year later, his estranged wife wrote to me and revealed about this man's hypocrisy and how much abuse she had endured in his hands. She said to be the one who wrote those responses to me at his instruction and often objected saying but this is not true and he told her the important thing is to save the image of Islam. The poor woman said she complied out of fear but never felt neither respect nor love from this "moderate, enlightened" Muslim husband.
Join our forum and meet other ladies who will tell you their horror stories after marrying Muslim men. It is not that Muslim men are not good. The problem is that Islam dehumanizes them and to the degree that they believe in Islam they become abusive and dangerous.
Islam is a tool of domination and control. The purpose of Islam is to fool people in order to use them. You are very lucky and smart to realize this and save yourself in time. You don't have to be embarrassed about your experience. I think you should talk about it with your parents and friends. You were very young when you joined this cult and you did it because you were lied to. But you were wise and intelligent to see through the lies and leave this cult. There are others who are too weak and too dumb to do that. Do you remember Mireille, the poor Belgian woman who went on a suicide mission in Iraq killing nine innocent people and blowing up herself? Be grateful you were smart enough to see what that wretched woman did not see.
I am glad you shared your story. Please promote it so other inexperienced young western girls can see the trap that is set for them and hopefully avoid this dangerous cult. Join our forum and become part of the movement of eradication Islam. There has been a reason for you to go through this nightmare.
This letter was sent to Ali Sina, founder of Faith Freedom