I Dropped the Quran then, and Haven't Looked at It Since
16 Jan, 2003
Dear Muslims and Kaffirs,
I've been reading all these posts about peoples stories leaving Islam. Man, it's so wonderful to know other people are going through the same thing I am! I hope my story isn't too typical. Sorry for writing a little too general, but I fear getting found, for my family's sake...
I was raised by an Arab family in the US. Both parents are from the Middle East and were non religious. They got married and moved to America to study. When they arrived, they met some religious fanatics and became super religious themselves... My luck! I was raised to be the super Muslim. Why? Because I was told my family is different from everybody else, I'm not trash like everybody else, I'm special, I come from a noble family, lot's of respect, and I'm Muslim - not like the rest of the American trash - I began doing all 5 daily prayers since I was like 8.
I held a personal record of never missing one prayer from 8th grade, till my 4th year in college. Not one prayer missed. I even walked out of movie theaters to catch sallat. I even prayed extra prayers, Shef' and watr, daily.
Since this community was so religious, all my friends were Muslim, and I could only hang out with Muslims. I was told I couldn't make friends with non-Muslims. Throughout school, everybody knew me as Muslim, and stayed away. Smart!
Anyways, my father continued in his fundamentalism, and became the leader at the mosque. So I was and still am very educated in Islam. I know more than the average Muslim. Whenever I had a break from school, I would go on Khurooj - basically, I travelled to different cities and states living in different mosques learning about Islam and inviting troubled Muslims to the mosque. My record...23 days in a mosque. I became very close to the Muslims I was with, lifetime friends....
To save you guys the life story basically, I was a super religious Muslim....until my 3rd year in college, where I met a really cool Christian girl. She loved God so much. But I knew, as a Muslim, her love was fake and not true. Nothing compared to Muslim love-right? The more I hung out with her, which I thought was wrong (non-Muslim and a girl) the more I realized her true love for god. It wasn't fake. I thought how could God put someone who loves him so much into hell? So I did my best to help her and convert her to Islam. For a year I taught her Islam and she loved it. But she said I love Christianity and will always be one. Well she's going to hell, too bad, I thought she knew Islam was right, yet, it would be to hard for her to be Muslim, so she doesn't want to admit it.
I then began to notice other Christians, Hindus, Jews, Bahia's, whatever, they really loved god, but weren't Muslim. All to hell? Yep, that's the answer - Hard to swallow.
In college I took lots of philosophy courses and nearly minored in it. This basically taught me to keep an open mind. Then Sept 11th happened. When I first saw the footage, I prayed, "please don't be Muslims who are responsible!" Pathetic! As a Muslim, that's all I cared. But for about 9 months, I defended Islam like crazy. But people did their research on Islam and had some good arguments, they seemed ignorant and biased, but I had to increase my research as well to combat them.
I did a big mistake. If you are a Muslim and are reading this, and you want to stay Muslim, don't do this...Research your faith, looking for the truth. Since my father was the president of the Islamic community, I would ask him some tough questions and have him do the research for me. Then I would analyze everything. I gave Public speeches about Islam in defense of Sept 11th, and I was damn good. If I found this site before I left Islam, I would be so troublesome to you guys
Basically, my problems with Islam were with organized religions as a whole, all of them. I developed a more humanistic approach, and asked the questions you weren't supposed to ask. This isn't easy. With my religious background, I knew nothing but Islam. Without Islam, I was nothing. I almost flunked out of school because of this. I would ignore my studies and research religion day after day. I kept falling into the same dead ends. I prayed salat-ul-istikhara so many times for help. (i guess it worked ) I prayed to god, for guidance, I just wanted the truth.
Slowly I realized that Islam is no different than any other religion. I was so scared and confused. I remember wanting God to be happy with me, so I read some Quran, and then It went into detail on how God hated Kaffirs, and how he would torture them in hell, then I thought, wait, I'm Kaffir, God hates me! I dropped the Quran then, and haven't looked at it since. This wasn't easy. I still looked at the Quran as being God's only true word. So I couldn't sleep. At max, I got 2hrs sleep a night for 3 months. In this time, I increased my research, and just continued to fall deeper and deeper into my kufr. After I logically crushed the existence of such a fairy-tale place, I could sleep again.
But my family and community are still here and are getting more religious by the day. It's sad to see my little brother become more and more religious. He hates gays. I try to convince him other wise, but then he goes to the Quran and sunna, and I can't talk against that! This sucks! I cannot tell my family or friends of my change. It's sad. I know If I mention this to my family, I will get kicked out, and close friends will talk about how much they wish to kill me for my change. Thank God I live in America. I remember a person became Muslim for 2 month, then left. I heard people at the mosque talking about how they wanted to kill him ! I know my father would say the same. He prays for the death of my sister because she doesn't want to get married and wears tight clothing, and oh god, she wears perfume in PUBLIC, oh the shame !
So I got to keep really quiet. Only close kaffir friends know. It's hilarious, they can't believe I changed, of all people, me? I'm having alot of fun with this since I have to fake my Muslimness. In ramadan, during taraweeh prayer, I would stand next to a child and then, turn my head 90 degrees and look him in the eyes and whisper, "Man, this is taking forever!" The child would leave prayer laughing and if he told on me, no one would believe the child! Ha! Family is getting worse by the day, Parents are looking for a wife for me! but at least I can sleep with my mind at peace.