Mullah Nasruddin: True Stories of the Great Imam
07 Mar, 2009
Compiled from the
web with some small changes and comments by Ibn kammuna
When you come to a fork in the
road, take it. --- Yogi Berra
The Mullah and the Donkey: Who’s word would you take?
One day, one of Mullah Nasruddin's friend came over and wanted to
borrow his donkey for a day or two. Mullah, knowing his friend, was
not kindly inclined to the request, and came up with the excuse that
someone had already borrowed his donkey.
Just as Mullah uttered these words, his donkey started braying in
his backyard. Hearing the sound, his friend gave him an accusing
look, to which Mullah replied: "I refuse to have any further
dealings with you since you take a donkey's word over mine."
Moral of the story: Mullah Nasruddin is “Muslims” and
Qur’an is “Braying of the Donkey”. The question is this: who would
you believe; the Mullah or the Braying? Science showed us that the
Qur’an has got tons of scientific facts wrong, yet Muslims keep
saying the Qur’an is Miraculous. Abul Kasem has shown us not long
ago, in his Qur’anic contradictions series, so many contradictions
in the Qur’an; its unreal. Yet, Muslims keep saying there is not a
single contradiction in the Qur’an. Who are we going to believe: the
Mullah or the Braying (that braying sounds ugly by the way. That is
why it is “recited”)
How to go out of business Nasruddin way
A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was
failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed
everybody it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last
resort he went to Imam Nasruddin and poured out his story of tears
and woe. When he had finished, the Imam Nasruddin said, "Here's what
I want you to do, put a beach chair and a copy of the Qur’an in your
car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Qur’an
to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Qur’an
in your lap. Open the Qur’an; the wind will move the pages, but
finally the Qur’an will come to rest on a page. Look down at the
page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer,
that will tell you what to do." A year later the businessman went
back to the Imam and brought his wife and children with him. The man
was in a new custom- tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the
children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with
money out of his pocket and gave it to the Masjid as a donation in
thanks for his advice. Imam Nasruddin was happy for the money, and
recognized the man, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he
asked. "Absolutely," replied the businessman. "You went to the
beach?" "Absolutely." "You sat in a beach chair with the Qur’an in
your lap?" "Absolutely." "You let the pages move until they
stopped?" "Absolutely." "And what were the first words you saw?"
Moral of the story: Here is chapter 11 on how to pay debts
according to the holy prophet:
Dawud, Book 19, Number 2996 - Narrated Muhayyisah:
The Apostle of Allah (peace_be_upon_him) said: If you gain a victory over the men of Jews, kill them. So Muhayyisah jumped over Shubaybah, a man of the Jewish merchants. He had close relations with them. He then killed him. At that time Huwayyisah (brother of Muhayyisah) had not embraced Islam. He was older than Muhayyisah. When he killed him, Huwayyisah beat him and said: O enemy of Allah, I swear by Allah, you have a good deal of fat in your belly from his property.
How to train Bedouins to run
"When I was in the desert," said Nasruddin one day, "I caused an
entire tribe of horrible and bloodthirsty bedouins to run." "However
did you do it?" "Easy. I just ran, and they ran after me."
Give me the Women
Once, when Mullah Nasruddin was visiting a Western town, he was
invited to attend a fashion show. He went, and afterwards he was
asked how he liked it. "It's a complete swindle!" he exclaimed
indignantly. "What do you mean?" he was asked. "They show you the
women - and then try to sell you the clothes!"
Moral of the story
Keep an open mind for women. Here is what Mo did:
Volume 3, Book 46, Number 717:
Narrated Ibn Aun:
I wrote a letter to Nafi and Nafi wrote in reply to my letter that the Prophet had suddenly attacked Bani Mustaliq without warning while they were heedless and their cattle were being watered at the places of water. Their fighting men were killed and their women and children were taken as captives; the Prophet got Juwairiya on that day. Nafi said that Ibn 'Umar had told him the above narration and that Ibn 'Umar was in that army.
By the way, Muhammad had sex with Juwairiyya that very night. If
this is not rape, I do not know what is. He just murdered her
husband and all adult male relatives, and enslaved women and
children. Here is my question to the smart reader out there: Let us
say he “married” her (as if she had a real choice here), does his
sleeping with her that very night make it any less of a “rape”?
Should such a marriage make the Muslim apologetic feel good about
How to get out of Preaching a Sermon
Once, the people of The City invited Mulla Nasruddin to deliver a
khutba. When he got on the minbar (pulpit), he found the audience
was not very enthusiastic, so he asked "Do you know what I am going
to say?" The audience replied "NO", so he announced "I have no
desire to speak to people who don't even know what I will be talking
about" and he left. The people felt embarrassed and called him back
again the next day. This time when he asked the same question, the
people replied "YES" So Mullah Nasruddin said, "Well, since you
already know what I am going to say, I won't waste any more of your
time" and he left. Now the people were really perplexed. They
decided to try one more time and once again invited the Mullah to
speak the following week. Once again he asked the same question -
"Do you know what I am going to say?" Now the people were prepared
and so half of them answered "YES" while the other half replied
"NO". So Mullah Nasruddin said "The half who know what I am going to
say, tell it to the other half" and he left!
Alexander the Great (PBUH)
The story from the Qur’an tells that Zul-Qarnain is Alexander the
Great according to many Tafsirs. Here are some verses on that:
Yusuf Ali 18:83-86
They ask thee concerning Zul-qarnain Say, "I will rehearse to you something of his story." Verily We established his power on earth, and We gave him the ways and the means to all ends. One (such) way he followed, Until, when he reached the setting of the sun, he found it set in a spring of murky water: near it he found a people: We said: "O Zul-qarnain! (thou hast authority), either to punish them, or to treat them with kindness.""
Mullah Nasruddin knew his Qur’an very well. Some even say he was
a “Hafiz”. The following story shows the depth of knowledge that our
Mullah Nasruddin went on a pilgrimage to Mecca, and on the way he passed through Medina. As he was walking by the main mosque there, a rather confused looking tourist approached him. "Excuse me sir," said the tourist, "but you look like a native of these parts; can you tell me something about this mosque? It looks very old and important, but I've lost my guidebook." Nasruddin, being too proud to admit that he, too, had no idea what it was, immediately began an enthusiastic explanation. "This is indeed a very old and special mosque." he declared, "It was built by Alexander the Great to commemorate his conquest of Arabia." The tourist was suitably impressed, but presently a look of doubt crossed his face. "But how can that be?" he asked, "I'm sure that Alexander was a Greek or something, not a Muslim. . . Wasn't he?" "I can see that you know something of these matters." replied Nasruddin with chagrin, "In fact, Alexander was so impressed at his good fortune in war that he converted to Islam in order to show his gratitude to God." "Oh, wow." said the tourist, then paused. "Hey, but surely there was no such thing as Islam in Alexander's time?" "An excellent point! It is truly gratifying to meet a visitor who understands our history so well," answered Nasruddin. "As a matter of fact, he was so overwhelmed by the generosity God had shown him that as soon as the fighting was over he began a new religion, and became the founder of Islam." The tourist looked at the mosque with new respect, but before Nasruddin could quietly slip into the passing crowd, another problem occurred to him. "But wasn't the founder of Islam named Mohammed? I mean, that's what I read in a book; at least I'm sure it wasn't Alexander." "I can see that you are a scholar of some learning," said Nasruddin, "I was just getting to that. Alexander felt that he could properly dedicate himself to his new life as a prophet only by adopting a new identity. So, he gave up his old name and for the rest of his life called himself Mohammed." "Really?" wondered the tourist, "That's amazing! But...but I thought that Alexander the Great lived a long time before Mohammed? Is that right?" "Certainly not!" answered the Mullah, "You're thinking of a different Alexander the Great. I'm talking about the one named Mohammed."
Moral of the story: Muhammad always invented stories out
of the blue to fit his selfish desires. Mullah Nasr looks like a
beginner compared to the master.
Giving a hand to a Begger
One day Nasruddin repaired tiles on the roof of his house. While
Nasruddin was working on the roof, a stranger knocked the door. -
What do you want? Nasruddin shouted out. - Come down, replied
stranger So I can tell it. Nasruddin unwilling and slowly climbed
down the ladder. - Well! replied Nasruddin, what was the important
thing? - Could you give little money to this poor old man? begged
stranger. Tired Nasruddin started to climb up the ladder and said, -
Follow me up to the roof. When both Nasruddin and beggar were
upside, on the roof, Nasruddin said, - The answer is no!
Smarter than a thief
That was the time Mullah Nasruddin's family was very poor. One
day Nasruddin 's wife woke him in the middle of the night and
whispered, "Nasruddin, There is a thief in the kitchen!" "Shhh...
Stupid woman! replied Nasruddin. Let him be. Perhaps he find
something then we seize it!"
Moral of the story: The holy prophet made a living out of attacking other people without warning, killing the men and enslaving women and children. What the Mullah wanted to do is nothing compared to what Muhammad did.
Soccer defensive player of the year – Mullah Nasr is Yogi Berra of his time
In his youth, Mullah Nasruddin played soccer as defence in his home town team. After one game where they lost to a late goal in the match, the Mullah explained what happened to the media in a serious tone: ”We were a little bit outnumbered there, it was two against two”
Ibn Kamuna an Arabic-speaking writer. He can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.