A Letter To Allah From A 10-Year-Old Boy
30 Jan, 2003
Note: This article may be a satire
Moulavi Saheb (Mulla in Pakistan) in the mosque told us about the ordeal our beloved prophet had to go through to convince the truth of his message and the great problems he had spreading that message. He told us that even his own loving uncle and guardian Abu Talib thought he was full of shit and never converted. Moulavi said that in the first 13 years only 70 people were convinced, and that they were either very close relatives and friends or destitute morons. Although I am very young and it is after the fact, but my thoughts about the whole affair are as follows:
- In their first meeting Jibraeel (Gabriel) kept shouting "Read" and our poor prophet kept replying, "I cannot read". Why didn't you send the Quran on a DVD. Jibraeel could have brought a DVD player and a portable T.V. You could have shown all the biblical stories on film. It would have been so cool to see naked Adam and Eve strolling in the heavenly garden, Abraham slaughtering his son, Sulaiman talking to ants, animals clamoring toward Noah's arc, horny queen of Egypt chasing Yousef, Moses separating the ocean, and virgin Mary giving birth to Jesus. Sure, description of Houris in the Quran is enticing but a picture is worth a thousand words. I bet they would have gone crazy if they had seen images of gorgeous naked houris with swelling bosoms, and pious bearded muslims copulating with them, live on T.V. The description of hell in the Quran is scary, but I am sure they would have pooped their pants if they had seen the actual hell on screen, humans and jinns burning alive, skin separating from the bones from poured boiling water and people drinking pus, euch!
- Why didn't you send a few machine guns along? So many of the jihadis would not have lost their lives. A few good men with machine guns could have killed thousands of sword wielding kafirs.
- I heard that it took whole day to cut the throats of 900 men of Bani Quraiza. Poor prophet had to stand in hot Madina sun for 12 hours supervising the beheadings .A single machine gun could have done the job very cleanly in few minutes leaving the prophet the whole day to make love to Rehana, the teenager Jewish girl whose father and brothers our holy prophet decapitated.
- I heard that many of our prophet's attempts to rob Mecca caravans were fruitless and raiding parties had to return tired and empty handed. Those failed attempts must have definitely hurt his credibility and his mission. Why didn't you send a few high- speed sand buggies? He could out run Meccan's camels, and cashed on every venture.
- A video camera would have definitely convinced every one that he did lead a prayer in heaven with all the prophets in congregation, get married to virgin Marry, and met you on 7th heaven in the same night of "meraj".
- I bet if you had supplied him with small handguns, which could be easily concealed, he could have many more of his critics assassinated. I heard the assassination of Asma got very messy since the assassin had to first separate the infant whom she was breast- feeding. I hear that Afak was a 120 year old man when assassinated and Kaab. The handsome leader of the Jews was not given a chance and his throat was slit by someone instructed by our holy prophet to lie to him and pretend to be his friend. Very clever was our prophet. He said war is deceit and he was very good in deceiving people, wasn't he?
- You wrote in the Quran that you sent thousands of angels to fight along side the jihadis in every war, and yet they lost at Uhud. I am sure if Jibraeel had just dropped one daisy cutter bomb on those evil Kafirs once, they would not have dared to fight back.
- A cell phone would have saved all those trips Jibraeel had to make bringing those messages every day. Any time prophet needed consultation with you he could call. Remember the time he thought that Ayesha slept with the good looking soldier on the way back from Mustaliq raid (prophet was with his newly captured beauty Juavaria, and was unaware of whereabouts of Ayesha? He had to wait for a whole month before you sent a message requiring four male witnesses to prove a sex encounter. If he had a phone he would have asked for clarification; without clarification now muslims are raping women left and right and getting away due to the lack of four male witnesses. The time people asked him where the sun went after sunset he was so embarrassed because he did not know and he had to say that it retired under your throne and prayed all night. If he had a phone he could have asked you. Now the infidels and the apostates are having a field day with his answer.
- Ideal would have been to send him a laptop. I don't mean another teenager sitting on his lap. He had plenty of those laptops. I mean a laptop computer. He could find all the answers without bothering you. All those silly answers that stars are missiles to shoot at Satan, moon is a lamp, mountains are pegs, land is flat, seven layers of skies etc etc which I am sure were his own concoctions and not from you, could have been avoided and he could provide correct answers to all queries.
- If you preferred to have Quran in writing, why didn't you send a finished product in a book form .The morons who compiled it from thousands of scattered verses written on everything from leather, wood, stones etc to leaves and dried camel chips, did such a lousy job that it is a confused mess without any sequence or topics, and with continues repetitions. The kafirs criticize it all the time and we muslims are becoming a laughing stock.
- A camper/motor home would not have been too much to ask for your most beloved prophet. It would have given him air- conditioned private sleeping quarters on the raid sites. I am sure it must have been very embarrassing to rape the young pretty captured women in the flimsy tents with the snooping horny Arab men all around. I am sure they too got excited at times hearing the sounds of the action inside the tent and tried to peak thru the holes and tears in the primitive tents. I hear that at Khyber when our beloved 60 year old prophet was having time of his life with beautiful 17 year old voluptuous Safia, after a hard day of killing Jews, a sahabi hung around his tent all night, (I am sure he watched the steamy action through tent holes and tears and got his jollies). When prophet went out of the tent early morning to perhaps take a leak he caught him snooping around. Needless to say that Sahabi (caught with his pants down) had to make the silly excuse that he was guarding him.
- The camper would have served well at home in Medina also. Prophet would have had extra sleeping quarters. Had he that camper handy he would not have been caught sleeping with Maria in Hafsa's bed and created all that hoopla.
- A supply of prophylactics for the jihadis who were interested in not impregnating their captive girls by using withdrawal method (and thus maintaining their ransom values) would have been nice and would have saved our prophet from embarrassment who advised them against it. I am sure the jihadis got irritated after following prophet's advice and finding that all their captives got pregnant (on the brighter side, they could get separate price for the babies).