Jesus of Nazareth Could Not Be the Eisa of the Quran
23 Aug, 2008
Note: This article is a satire
The so-called moderate Islamic groups in the West, like ISNA, ICNA, CAIR, MSA, MAS etc.—the modern-day kuffars—keeps insisting all the time that Muslims love Jesus of Nazareth because he was a Islamic prophet of Allah like Mohammed and is mentioned in Quran as Eisa.. Upon a thorough research, it emerges that Jesus of Nazareth could not have been a prophet of Islam— the Eisa of the Quran. These Muslim groups must have invented this lie to fool the western infidels.
EISA WAS A MUSLIM PROPHET
4.171 “ Eisa was a prophet of Allah”
And all prophets of Allah were muslims and taught the true
religion of Islam.
FOLLOWERS OF EISA WERE ALL MUSLIMS
3.52 Then when 'Eisa asked his followers : "Who will be my helpers in Allah's Cause? "They said: "We are the helpers of Allah; we believe in Allah, and bear witness that we are Muslims”
NEITHER JESUS NOR HIS FOLLOWERS WERE EVER MUSLIMS
There is absolutely no historical or biblical record that Jesus
or his followers were ever muslims. There is no record of Jesus or
his disciples making wudu, performing salat facing Mecca, observing
Ramadan or going to Arabia for Haj and running around the Kaaba
temple half naked loudly chanting Arabic verses.
WAS JESUS PROPHET MATERIAL?
The litmus test of prophethood is comparison with the life of our
prophet. Who was a perfect human being and a role model for all..
Any one who claims to be a muslim prophet must meet at least some,
if not all of the characteristics of our role model, Prophet
Mohammed (PBUH). Let us look at the characteristics of prophets and
proofs of prophethood.
OBSESSION WITH SEX
This is the most important proof of prophethood. Obsession with
sex comes with the prophetic territory. All Prophets love sex and
are extremely horny. They all go for variety, quality and quantity.
When Mo was not a prophet he was very docile and had no sexual
ambitions. He married an old rich widow, a mother of three grown up
daughters , when he himself was just 25 years old... He was more
interested in spending his days and nights in a cave than making
love to his new wife. Only after he got prophethood his libido shot
up and he went after every beautiful woman he could lay his hands
on... That is the reason Quranic aya 33.50 was sent down to meet his
enormous sexual appetite..
33.50: “O Prophet (Muhammad SAW)! Verily, We have made lawful to you your wives, your captives and slave girls, your first cousins, and any believing woman if she offers herself to the Prophet, and the Prophet wishes to have sex with her.”
After his prophethood he married over 15 beautiful younger women
including a six year old child.. and also enjoyed any woman who
offered herself to him as well hundreds of captured women who came
in his share of booty. Sometimes he had sex with all his wives
during the night and slept with other muslimas and slave girls
during the day.
Our modern day prophets like Rev Jim Jones of Guiana, Rev David
Koreish of Texas, Rev Warren Jeff of Utah and Shree Bhagwaan
Rajneesh of Oregon etc. may not have been as lucky as our prophet
but they had their fair share of action.. They all were known to
have sex with their disciples and their daughters. Even the
unsuccessful sixty something prophet Brian Mitchel of Utah kidnapped
15 year old Elizabeth Smart and slept with her for a year before
getting nabbed cutting his prophethood career short...
Jesus of Nazareth miserably fails this prophetic requirement.. He
never even touched a woman leave alone having sex with multiple
partners although he had a very large number of disciples who would
have gladly obliged...
This is another important proof of a true prophet. A prophet
never works for his living, it is below his dignity. He always feeds
on the wealth and earnings of his disciples. Before Mo became a
prophet he worked hard for his living. Once he became a prophet he
did not work for a single day. First he lived on his wife’s money .
Later when he had many followers he sent them to raid the villages
of non muslims and collected 20% of all the booty including captured
Jim Jones, Warren Jeff, Bhagwaan Rajneesh, and David Koreish
also lived very comfortably off their disciple’s wealth and
earnings. Prophet Brian Mitchell also stopped working after he
became an apostle of God. However he was nabbed before he could
build up a following so he had to live like a popper.
Records show that Jesus never milked his followers for his living. Thus he fails this test of prophethood.
A prophet cannot have people doubting his prophethood or
criticizing his activities. Unless such trouble makers are punished/
beheaded without mercy and made an example of, a prophet cannot
carry on God’s work. That is why Quran was very clear to Prophet Mo
9.5 “ Slay the disbelievers wherever you find them”
4.89 “ Kill the renegades”
Our prophet had all his critics brutally beheaded which
terrorized and silenced any one who dared to doubt him.. His world
record of cutting throats of 900 disbelievers in a single day is
Leave alone non muslims, our prophet was even brutal to believing muslims who who dared to be negligent on the daily compulsory prayers.
“The Prophet said, “burn all those who had not left their houses for the prayer, burning them alive inside their homes.’” [Bukhari 1:11:626]
That is the reason even after 1400 years good muslims soil their
pants even with the thought of criticizing their prophet or missing
Although today’s infidel laws preclude public throat cutting of
the critics, modern day prophets have used other innovative ways of
persecution of those who doubt them or leave their cults. Several
cultists who left Jim Jones were killed by unknown assassins or
found dead mysteriously.
Jesus did not have a single throat cutting to his credit. On the
contrary he himself was brutalized and crucified on a cross.
Allah has said:
Retaliation is prescribed for you. If some one kills your slave, kill his slave, if some one kills your woman, kill his woman and if some one kills your man kill his man. [2.178]
Above is the minimum islamic retaliation which is a “fard.” If
you go by Sunna , you are allowed to retaliate by killing anyone who
even makes fun of you.. Our prophet was laughed at and made fun off
in Mecca at a time he was weak. After he captured Mecca he ordered
to instantly kill all those who made fun of him even if they were
hiding inside Kaaba. That is the proof of a real prophet.
Once Rev. Jim Jones announced that by praying he had created
fried chicken. A disciple joked with his friend sitting next to him
“howcum his created fried chicken tasted like Kentucky fried
chicken.” The friend ratted on him and the perpetrator was poisoned
and almost died of diarrhea. He had to publicly apologize.
Jesus said “love thy enemy”. This violates aya 2.178. Thus, he
All prophets suffer from disorders like narcissism, pedophilia, Temporal Lobe Epilepsy (TLE) etc. Our prophet being the top apostle, suffered from all of those plus some more like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and schizophrenia. His epileptic seizures gave the muslim umma the glorious Quran and his OCD gave them all the wonderful islamic rituals. These exclusive Islamic rituals include wudu and salat involving repetitive washing of hands and feet intermittently all day long followed by multiple sit-ups and ass-ups. Other rituals include obsessive compulsive reading of Quran without understanding every day and reciting Quranic ayas during every activity even defecating, making love and passing gas..
Jesus did not suffer from any of the above disorders. He did not prescribe any daily repetitive rituals nor he recommended bible recitals during defecation, love making, passing gas etc.. That is an ample proof that he was not a muslim prophet.
No way Jesus could be a muslim prophet. He was totally opposite
to Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) and violated Quranic ayas on every step.
If at all he was Eisa of Quran than he could not be a prophet but perhaps God himself since Eisa cured the sick and gave life to the dead.. .